Confessions of a Child-Free Woman

Confession #1: I’ll never confess anything too incriminating.

Confession #2: I ruined my political career by the time I was 13.

Confession #3

Everyone around me seems to be having babies.  Apparently this is supposed to induce some biological clock thing.  In reality, it makes me happy I don’t have kids.

I have a life

I missed the maternal gene.  For starters, kids puke.  Vomit makes me vomit.  They say it’s different when it’s your kid.  “They” are fooling themselves.  Vomit is always repulsive.  Even worse if you have a phobia (seriously – ask my mom; I’ll do anything to avoid puking).

The truth is, I don’t love children.  Or dogs.  I probably don’t have a soul.

i will get you a kitty cat

There’s nothing wrong with having babies (or dogs).  I’m really glad that some people are continuing to populate the world.  Society should be continued.  Responsibly.

Some people should have sex more safely.

mama june baby daddy

I’m too selfish to own living things.  I accept that weakness.  (My almost 4-year-old house plant is the exception.  It can survive without water for weeks at a time.)

No, random stranger offering me super-useful unsolicited advice, I will not change my mind when I get older.  Ship = sailed.

hell to the nizzo

Confession #4

To take my selfishness one step further, I don’t want to get married.  Oh, I do like to be held… when it’s my idea… but even then… you better watch yo’ self.

I'm a knife

If I had to share my space with some one else, they’d eat my food, I’d have to hide my vibrator… and I certainly couldn’t go crazy in the shower.  This all seems like a losing proposition.

Check out that shower head…

pocket full of sunshine

If you haven’t noticed by now, I have commitment issues.  Combine that with a love of solitude and I’m destined for a life of single celibacy celebration.

Speaking of celebrations, a reception does seem like fun.  Can I just throw a party and everyone can bring me Bed, Bath, & Beyond gift cards, get wasted, and dance badly?

no boyfriend for 10 years

Confession #5

I don’t give a shit.  Really.  If you don’t like what I have to say, you don’t have to listen (or read).

While we’re on the subject of not liking words… I really, really hate the word AMAZEBALLS.  It’s not a word.  You sound like a 12-year-old.  You’re 30.


At 31, clearly I am at the golden pinnacle of maturity.

Fart jokes will always be funny.  So will jokes involving balls or penises (is that really the plural?!).

penis joke


To my amazeballs, married mommy friends: I do think you’re marvelous.  I’m actually in awe.

What word do you dislike?

Confess something.


  1. says

    Well, the child thing I understand (even as the mother of 2 and the grandmother of 4), but dogs? How could you!!!!

    Kidding, you should do whatever makes you happy.

    And, knowing that I sound like the old grandma who pats you on the head and says “things may change dearie.”

  2. says

    Your “heartless” rants are made up for in the hilarious gifs :) More power to you. If you know what you want, then shouldn’t matter to anyone else. Your life!!

    Confess? I’m up WAY later than I should be. Blogger fails. BAH!

  3. says

    Love your attitude here, Laura :)! While I definitely want some kids of my own eventually, I respect your reasons for not wanting gotta do what makes you happy! Kids aside, the optimist in me still thinks a dashing man is eventually going to come and sweep you off your feet into marriage!!

  4. Mari says

    What are amazeballs anyways. No!

    I was laughing, I have felt like I’m supposed to have kids because that’s what we do but I think I just want a pet. Eventually. I’m too old now for kids and really I enjoy my time and doing things when I want. I don’t see them at restaurants and think gee, I wish I………so I’m with u but I still get comments.

    I don’t think commitment has anything to do with it. It’s what u want now and you are a woman who knows what she wants and that needs no explanation. None. You go because u r amaze…….:)

  5. says

    Amazeballs, amazeballs, amazaballs, amazeballs……I am 36, so I am over the legal age. I can say that, right? LOL.
    We talked about this before and I totally get all your reasons. I am still curious what happens when the man appears who outshines your vibrator :-)
    But hell yes, do what makes you happy and – take that pic from my post today (‘look at all the fucks I give). Right? :-)
    Good thing of not being pregnant ist that we can drink alllllll the time!!

  6. Kanoelani says

    YESSS OMG I love u except for the dog part hahahaha!!! Bc I do have a doggie as she’s probably my longest relationship. But I was just saying I was afraid of commitment too lol & honestly not sure what I want HAHAHHA!!! But I know I have sadly lived in a bodily prison of my own making & there’s so much I wanna do now & I don’t want anything in my way(ie selfish 😉 haha. Keep doin u girl & being unapologetic about it. Love love it & also amazeballs x10 hahahha

  7. says

    YES. Just yes. I don’t even joke that I’m destined to be a crazy cat lady now, mainly because I want to be that lady. The sound of a child’s laughter does NOT make up for their bawling.

    May be I’ll catch that baby-bug at some point… but right now I’m pretty happy looking after myself, and I’m quite a handful.

  8. says

    I’m laughing at Arman’s comment because I know quite a few people who ARE married but live in separate houses. They didn’t want to give up their own stuff but like the perks of marriage. Whatever works for you!! And yes, I’ll take a fart, penis, balls joke any time. Immature 30 something’s unite!!

  9. says

    You know five minutes ago, that showerhead was being used in an entirely different way, which is why she is now singing into it.

    Post Correction: if you marry the right person, you don’t need to hide your vibrator.

    Confession: I’m too selfish for children as well. I don’t want to invest the time or money into something I can truly let go of and that will outlast me. If that changes, you should check me into the nearest mental facility or bring me booze. Maybe both.

  10. says

    Preach it lady! I’m not so sure about the kid thing either, however I do have dogs and love them more than anything else. BUT with that said travelling and doing other fun, spontaneous things is often very difficult if not impossible. I can only imagine that gets harder with kiddos.

  11. says

    Preach it sistah! Mutha furkin PREACH!

    I confess that for the first time in over a week, I actually had time to type up a post this weekend…but instead I frolicked the aisles at TJ Maxx, ate cereal for more meals than I care to admit, and sat on my ass for four hours straight watching Netflix. #sorryimnotsorry

  12. says

    You know you wanna cuddle Baby D. Don’t lie. 😉 I feel ya sometimes.. I think being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve every done. However, it is the most rewarding. You have to give A LOT up, so you have to be ready for that. Girl… you are wise to know this about yourself. Keep rocking you! xoxo

    • Laura says

      LOL! I can appreciate my friends’ kids. But I’ve never felt the mommy heart tug. Thank god good parents like you guys do though! Mwah!

  13. says

    I can’t keep a house plant alive to save my life. I have a slightly better track record with my dog… and hopefully my kid.

    Having kids (or dogs) isn’t for everyone and neither is getting married. But if you did, you wouldn’t have to hide your vibrator.

  14. says

    Bahahaha! I love this! Good for you and your honesty! I have children and a husband. I always swore I wouldn’t but it happened and I accept it. I say Amazeballs more out of irony but now it’s a word I actually find myself saying. New rule don’t start saying stupid words to be funny because soon you will be using them in regular conversations! I also have to stop saying shizzzzzzz because in a professional setting it makes no sense as a response word.

  15. says

    I agree 100%. I am married, but I do NOT want kids or dogs at all. I am too selfish and not afraid to admit it. I work out constantly to body build, eat healthy, love the way I look and feel, and I just don’t want to give up my lifestyle. Kids just raise my anxiety level!!!

  16. says

    Making me laugh, as always! I keep changing my mind about kids. At first, I thought I would definitely have them, then I spent the last 2 years or so thinking nope, nope, nope yet now I’m starting to turn it around again. So much confusion. If I don’t like it, can I send it back? 😉

  17. says

    Since I’m a little younger than you, people always tell me that I’ll change my mind about not wanting to have kids…but truthfully I don’t think so! I just don’t think I could handle that responsibility and I would be too afraid of scaring the child for life! I mean think about it every action, every word you speak is going to influence that child in some way. I couldn’t bear knowing that everything I did affected someone in that way! So I am with ya! I do hope to get married some day but to each their own. There is no perfect recipe to a happy life!

  18. says

    Praise the lord Laura!! I am not the only one out there that feels the this way!! You literally have spoken exactly how I feel!!! hahaha Everyone thinks I’m crazy too, but I am perfectly happy!!! I am 33yrs old and everyone keeps telling me my feelings will change — tick tock — nothings changing!! Thanks for this!! I am sending you a huge high five girl!

  19. says

    THANK YOU for making me not feel alone! With the exception that I DO want to get married some day, I have ZERO desire to have children and NO, I don’t think I’ll change my mind thank you very much. I like kids but only to the extent of being their crazy Aunt Katie who gets to hang out with them and then give them back. I was visiting my friend who just had a baby yesterday and while I loved getting to hold her baby for a few minutes, as I was watching her with him I couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong with me…I don’t want that. It’s always nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way…

  20. says

    I don’t understand why it is so hard for people to actually believe me when I say I just don’t want kids. It’s like there’s something terribly wrong with me in their mind. I think the thing that bothers me about not having kids is that when my friends did, then I sort of got dropped. My sister divorced 4 years ago and became quite happy living and being on her own. She’s found someone now, but could quite possibly marry him and her live in her town and him still live in his LOL

  21. says

    Pretty sure I went straight to this post this morning after reading that you were going to get hate mail on FB, lol.

    Regarding the “reception, have you seen the episode of Sex & the City when Samantha throws herself a “no baby shower”? Totally reminded me of that with your comment.

    You just keep being you!

  22. says

    Ugh, my first comment did not go through, boo. First, I still love a good fart and penis joke (my 3 yr old has a toy that only makes fart noises, best thing ever). Secondly, I read this article the other day and I think (hope) you’d like it., I think it’s great when men and woman decide to go against the grain and not do something because that’s what society expects.

  23. says

    emetophobia. that is the completely irrational fear of vomit. I have it too. always have, and I once CLIMBED OVER several rows of airline seats to get away from it while deplaning.

    this entire post could have been written by me, save for the married and sharing space thing. I just happened to stumble on someone who stays around after hearing me in the shower, experienced my weird food NON sharing, all of it. because I simply don’t care what anyone thinks either, and am always my own person. they are rare, but they DO exist. or maybe I got the only one 😉

    okay, and dogs. I love my dogs, as you know. but everything else, I just know we will get along perfectly. selfish non caring* non sharing people.

    *I care an awful lot. about people, and would do anything for the ones I love. I always have to explain this, but it is important: more people should not care what people think. it really does solve so many issues.

    • Laura says

      Were we separated at birth? Ha! I am with you on the caring part, too. I am like a bulldog. Once I’m loyal to you, I’ll protect you like you’re my blood.

  24. says

    Amen! I love kids but I’m pretty sick of people acting like life is incomplete until you have children. Dear parents:have fun having no social life and being responsible and I’ll be over here enjoying my expensive dinners, nights out, and traveling :) Confession: I’ve always pictured myself having two kids by 30 and when I think about having a child right now I feel like I’m suffocating! I’d like to add that I think so many people have kids because they think thats what they’re “supposed to do” news flash: not everyone is made to be a parent, dont let society dictate how you should live your life :) Go girl!

    • Laura says

      I am right there with you! I’d hate to give up my lifestyle… which sounds like a silly reason to some people I supposed, but fancy dinner sounds like so much more fun. 😉

  25. says

    I can SO relate to the no kids thing… honestly. For me, the cons far outweigh the pros. Every time I get a twinge of MAYBE, something always brings me right back. Yup. Vomit. Agreed. Could not do it! For years I avoided it too, I hate hate hate it. No one ever has said it to my face, but I know the ‘you’ll change your mind’ bit. Nope, not gonna happen! I am happy there are those of us out there that know their mind and don’t get caught up in having babies just because everyone else is, or just because it’s the next step that everyone takes in life. It’s a huge commitment, and not one to take lightly.

  26. says

    I love when people are just themselves – like you being you. We are so different! haha – and I love when I’m around people who are different than me. Blunt, out there, strong personalities…they are people I like to stand with and live life with. I love being married and seem to be getting closer to wanting kids daily, BUT I don’t feel maternal at heart, never like holding other people’s kids, tolerate animals (I can’t say I ever really want to snuggle or pet them at all) and also don’t like the word “amazeballs…” When bloggers use it I always try to picture them saying it out loud and think, “Yeah right. You would never say that!” or at least I’d like to hear it used naturally. 😉 You are awesome, girl. Let’s be different kinds of bad-asses together and go try out for American Ninja Warrior!

  27. says

    As a married-34 year old who does occassionally use the word amazeballs to be silly, I still love you. No hate mail from me! :) I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being married (even on the days where things aren’t perfect), but don’t think everyone should be. I also really do love kids, just don’t think I want my own. And I think it’s particularly hilarious that I went the touchy-feely inspirational route with today’s post and you went the opposite direction. This is why we are friends. :)

  28. says

    I am married. I have children. They are adults. I look forward to those returnable kids called grandchildren. I kept my vibrator. It is MUCH more dependable than anything else in my life.

    I also do not give one shit about what folks think either.

    And since your are one of my most mature, favorite, living life fully people, i will definitely send you an invitiation to my midlife crisis.

  29. says

    i adore you for who you are and your thoughts on this post, I can relate a lot of it. i come from a culture where im now considered ‘too old’ to get married or have kids. im 27.. im not ready for either but do have a puppy and some house plants which are both alive as of now :) my parents are majorly stressed about this situation and i do get more than half of those comments…you know at the end of the day, those comments dont matter and it all comes down to whatever makes you happy.

  30. says

    I can’t keep a house plant alive to save my life… so kudos for that! Also, I have always had a selfish mindset when it comes to having children. It may happen one day for us, but we’ve just never been in a rush. Oh, and you’re hilarious. 😉

  31. says

    Been married. Tried it. Didn’t really like it so much 😉
    Don’t want kids, never have (love my nephew!) At 37 (and very single) I think it’s highly unlikely my “biological clock” is going to start ticking any time soon.
    Love my freedom, love peace and quiet, love my own space and solitude. Yes I’m selfish, and I don’t apologise for it.

  32. says

    These are great confessions and I think it’s better to accept your selfishness than to be even more horribly selfish and have a kid without truly wanting one. We have enough messed up people, let’s not add more to the pot. I have a son but his father and I aren’t together; i also have a bf: it’s nice because I get to be a mom but on weekends my son goes with his father. So i get to be date and just do whatever I need to in peace. It’s a win-win for me; which is why I don’t want any more kids. I’m done. Oven closed for business. I hate the word, not really a word, ‘Za and ‘Serts’ – shortened version of pizza and desserts as if they weren’t short enough. Have a great one Laura -Iva

  33. Brooke says

    Bahahahaha! I remember why I fell in love with you in highschool after reading this. Fellow vomit phobia here! Last time I puked was November 1998, no joke (that’s 16 years, where is my award???)! And, thank the LORD .. Blake has never once puked (knock on wood) – he spit up as a baby of course, but no projectile vomiting and he’s almost 3!

    I kill virtually every plant I own and my chihuahuas have automatic dog feeders and potty pads in their pen because I don’t ever want to have to interrupt my life to feed/potty them (yipes, I did just type those words .. I’m an asshole! They really are little peeing and pooping bastards, so they have a sorry miserable life and no one will take them.)

    I would love to give Blake a sibling, but I DON’T THINK I CAN DO IT. He’s finally getting big enough to go potty and dress himself, and the selfish part of me doesn’t ever want to go through all those diapers and schedules again :/ It is more amazing than ever to see my DNA growing and learning, I know that’s hard to explain to someone else. But, everyone else’s kids still annoy the crap out of me … it’s definitely different and more rewarding with your own if you ever change your mind :)

    Part of me wants to get married again, but I like my private space and my alone time too much … Maybe I can ask for my own room? Lmao!

    You CRACK me up, keep ’em comin!!!

  34. says

    Yes, I’m still alive, and yes, I still read your blog. Hello!

    I come from a long line of incredibly selfish narcissists, (Can you be a narcissist and be aware of it? Discuss.) and I went my entire life up to the age of 25 being sure I didn’t want children, for many reasons but especially because I just didn’t want to have to care about anyone more than myself. I hated kids. Then one day something switched on in my brain and having children no longer seemed like a complete waste of my time anymore. I am so thrilled to have had my daughter that I almost feel a sense of panic when I think that I just as easily could have never known her. But that’s just it, if I didn’t have her I wouldn’t know what I was missing and would quite likely be just as happy, maybe even happier; I can’t know. So if you don’t want kids, you go get you dat IUD gurl! I certainly miss the freedom to go anywhere I want whenever I want, ALONE, and not have to worry about keeping a helpless human being alive over polishing off a flight of scotches somewhere. (Which we should do sometime, I promise I won’t talk about babies. I kind of need to NOT talk about babies when I’m away from mine.)

    And no need to hide your vibrator when you and your spouse can just share it! JK! (Did I make you vomit???)

    • Laura says

      Well hey stranger! From stalking you on Facebook I know that your daughter is really cute (I don’t say that about all kids. 😉 ). I am all in for getting together soon! Lee andI have been talking about it too.

      And you didn’t make me vomit. My aunt commenting (above) about her vibrator did though.

  35. says

    There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you (don’t) want. The trouble starts when people say they don’t want things and secretly do especially if they bring that dishonesty into a relationship. You’re very upfront and certain about it, so you get a round of applause.

  36. says

    Haha, love your confessions and I have this crazy urge to want to give you a high five. I get the “normal” life isnt’ for everyone and I get pissed every time someone asks when I’m having kids as if it’s any of their business. Do what makes you happy!

  37. says

    haha i love your confessions, you crack me up! i need to know what kind of plant you have that has survived 4 years. i kill succulents in weeks and i thought they were supposed to be easy plants…

    • Laura says

      It’s one of those creeping green plants… a friend gave it to me as a housewarming gift and it’s been a fighter!

  38. says

    I love tough houseplants, most of mine are cacti and succulents– and amazingly, phalaenopsis orchids– because they can live on once a week watering or less. But my husband and I did work our way up the food chain– to cats, and then humans. The youngest said human is now 19, so now I’m supposed to be ‘done,’ but of course it is not so, being a parent is lifelong state of affairs. I feel it’s the most responsible people who are sometimes the most afraid to be parents, and the least prepared who dive into it without thought!

  39. says

    I love that there are more women speaking up about this. I posted awhile back with I don’t want to hold your baby…I was ready for a backlash but even a lot of moms totally got it. I don’t know if we will ever expand our family or not for lots of the reasons you mentioned. Luckily I know I’ll be happy no matter what

  40. says

    haha love this! I too have a phobia of vomit – bleh gross ick. Also, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or have kids. Too many people do that because they think they should and then we get lots of divorce and people have to go to multiple weddings for one person and spend money on more gifts and it’s silly. If you get divorced, I want my gift back, and the money I spent on a new dress… and a flight… and a hotel room! Ha, anyway… I’m totally down to help you throw a I’ve Committed to Not Commit party!

    • Laura says

      You really should get your money back Weddings are expensive. Adding that in to may stand up routine. And the fact that I won’t have to return my “Committed to Not Commit” party. Awesome.

  41. says

    confession: I’m 34 and don’t have kids….and the longer I wait…and it just doesn’t seem to happen naturally…the more I’m okay with it….My life is awesome without little minions in control. xo, balls to the wall.

  42. says

    If more people in the world would just admit that they don’t want kids and be proactive about it, the world would be a MUCH better place. The wold doesn’t need any more shitty kids or shitty parents that hate their kids. Amen. Love you!

  43. says

    I feel you on a lot of this! I can barely keep goldfish alive, let alone another human. I like getting drunk too much to give it up for a small human 😉 That being said I’m pretty young and I know I’ll want it eventually, just not now!

    Random, but I have to point out that I am totally a vomit-phobe like you. I can remember almost every time I’ve ever thrown up, the last time was like 5 years ago and it had been almost 10 before that! My bf calls my ability to will myself to not throw up my “superpower” 😛 I always find it interesting when I come across other people who are the same!

    • Laura says

      Hahaha – you’ll probably always like getting drunk. You’ll just have less opportunity as you have to work more. And your metabolism will slow down. Welcome to 30… but enough about those fun times. Let’s talk about vomit and super powers. I think we share the SAME power. 😉

  44. says

    Ugh…I feel the EXACT SAME WAY about the kid thing and dogs too. It’s just not for me. Maybe if it had happened in my 20’s like it seemed to have for all my friends, it would have turned out fine. But now I’m too old and set in my ways to take care of a child. I fear for how it would turn out actually. Most annoying word = Totally. What are we all living in Wayne’s World?

  45. says

    Um, are we twins!? Stop reading my mind! I’m SO with you on all of this! Confession – I have never changed a diaper. That shit is gross.. literally. I have nieces and nephews so I know enough to know diapers are not for me… not right now anyway!
    We’re all different. What’s right for someone else may not be right for you and it’s not a requirement to get married, have babies, etc. Do what’s right for you, and screw people who think otherwise! 😉

  46. says

    I concur. With EVERYTHINGGGGG. Though I do like dogs, I’m too selfish to adopt and take care of one. And I think you are my anti-vomit soulmate because I am scared to DO it (doesn’t make you feel better). I am scared to SEE it. I am scared to HEAR it. Etc… “Amazeballs” is a horrible word. But I’ve used it, mostly with the intention of being obnoxious. “Totes” in place of “totally” makes my skin crawl. And jokes about man parts=awesome. In fact, this weekend one of my toilets started acting up (I got squirted in the face with toilet-tank water when I lifted the tank lid—not cool). Turns out, the apparatus in the toilet tank is called a ballcock. I can’t get over that. A Ballcock. Really? REALLY?!? I’ll confess that I am repulsed by pregnancy. I know it’s a natural “beautiful” thing, and I TOO have the utmost respect for anyone who’s gone through it, but I have zero intentions of taking that plunge, and I do eventually want to get married, but I’ve already had the talk with my current boyfriend about not having children. He’s on the same page, but if we don’t make it to marriage, the next one will also be baby-screened early on. I want a lifetime with a male buddy, but I don’t want to spend our time, our earnings, our energy on an extra person. Selfish? Maybe. But at least I know what I want and what makes me happy. GREAT POST!

    • Laura says

      Totes is a ridiculous word. Or how about chicken “boobs” – I shudder. Ballcock is not a new one on me… but you should have seen my uncontrollably laughing in the Home Depot aisle when I saw that. Maturity at its finest. 😉

  47. says

    Even though I”m a married mom, I love everything about this post!!!
    I don’t think you should ever feel like you have to confess or apologize for anything. You have a great life and that is really the point of everything!!! Actually, I was never going to have kids because of the whole puke thing – thankfully at 13 and 15 my boys have only puked a total of 5 times ever!!! (of course, Chris was deployed for 3 of those but…..)

  48. says

    LOVE THIS!!!!! I never wanted kids & then I met the damn hubby – crap! 😉 Although I have amazing stepkids & grandkids without having to get pregnant! :)

    AS for confessions – man I have a post in mind more about TRUTHS but people say you are bitter or selfish when you say these things. I may write it after this – :)

  49. says

    Your confessions are awesome. Makes me happy to think I can be a kid despite growing up 😀
    Jokes, I will never grow up haha
    Sorry about this but I do love amaze balls 😛

    Choc Chip Uru

  50. Parita @ myinnershakti says

    I love that you are so unapologetically yourself! As I like to say, to each his/her own – you have to live life on your terms!

  51. Brooke says

    Confession: I’m married and have two kids (and want two more). Also, I made my husband promise before we got married that he would deal with the puke. My mom always told me that it was different with your own kids, and that was a big fat lie! Vomit is vomit and it makes me want to vomit (and run far, far away). Glad I’m not the only one!
    You are a smart lady. Stick to your guns…that doesn’t make you heartless, it makes you smart and strong!!! Oh, and I HATE those stupid shortened forms of words: totes, adorbs…really, just say the whole word!!!

  52. says

    Amen girl! Now that I am getting married people automatically think that I want babies…um no. No I don’t. Not sure if I ever want them, and when I tell people flat out that I don’t want kids. They think I am joking!!! WTF. Ok, fooooocus now. This girl ain’t having babies right now, and I might not ever. Get it? Got it. Good. Gr.

    Great post! The best thing you can do for yourself, is know who you are and what you want. That is the absolute best thing you can do. Is stay true to you.

  53. Amy says

    Mom to 3. Vomit is easier to deal with than poop, in my book. Any time the kids crapped in the bathtub (yes, it happened more than once), I generally threw up trying to deal with it. I just got my kids a dog about 3 weeks ago, and I’m not a dog person, and yes, I barfed myself when trying to pick up her poop in a baggie. How do people do that twice a day, every day??? More than kind of regret getting the dog. And while I love my kids, they’re expensive little buggers. I have never traveled the way I always wanted to because there just isn’t money for it. Choices . . .

    • Laura says

      Ohhhh… my mom love to tell the story when I decided to finger paint. With poop. On the brick fireplace. I was only a year old, but I still feel bad.

      • lynda Hall says

        YOU should feel bad about that poop Rembrandt you painted on the rock fireplace! That was a royal mess! But it did give us something to talk about for years! Lol…..that’s shortened for Laugh out Loud, oops!
        Just have to say as a Mom of three of the most amazing daughters ( that are Totally different ), thank the Lord…..cause all three the same, well enough said. I love my girls and my Hubby of 30 yrs that gave this “Hard Ass” #1 child a reason to throw a party in celebration of what would have been his 59th Birthday and write a blogg about it (that seems to have sparked a lot of interest) ! :) He would be so Proud!
        Yes, Laura you are my love and Apple! I love you for who you are and you will continually change as the years go by and I will love everything about you……as I do now! Muh Fuh Uh, Ugg iss!

  54. says

    Thank you for that confession! I get asked all the time when I’m going to get married and have kids. People act as if I’m doomed because I’m 31, unwed, and childless. No way! I’ll do it on my own time. And I hear you on people needing to have sex more safely. I’m a teacher and I would say at least half my students should have had more responsible parents. As for the word “amazeballs”…people should never, ever, ever use it, I agree. I can’t believe I even typed it. #Yolkporn is another word (hashtag?) I despise. As well as “LOL”. Can that just go away forever?

  55. says

    I love these kinds of posts. REAL TALK.

    Okay so these words I HATE so much I don’t even wanna type them:

    tit. (or tits or titty)
    bro …(or braaw…)
    Almost any word describing a sex/sex act scientific or otherwise and no I’m not a prude but COITUS?

    Luckily I don’t those too often.

    When people write YA! when what they mean is YAY! or YEAH? because all I hear in my head is “YAW” like a German. (0:
    When people write Luuurve instead of love. What IS that?

    • Laura says

      Thank you! I wish I was funny enough to write one every week. LOL!

      There’s a book called Cunt. It’s about feminism and reclaiming the word. I read it… still can’t say the word though.

      Luuuuurve ya. 😉

  56. says

    CONFESSION # 1: I would rather have a colonoscopy and root canal at the SAME TIME, WIDE AWAKE then have a baby……


    CONFESSION # 3: PDA makes me vomit, and vomit makes me vomit! If I was a bulimic, I would make sure to hang around people who do the KISSY SHIT all the FING time…

    CONFESSION # 4: I always said I would never ever ever ever get married, however… RECENTLY someone sort of changed my mind. He may not be the one to marry me but….. WTF!!! PIGS ARE FLYING!!!!!!! However, I ain’t married yet, so IT COULD STILL NEVER HAPPEN!

    CONFESSION # 5: You and I were separated at birth, or our brains are conjoined twins…. Even though we are not joined at the head.

  57. says

    I love this. It’s responsible to NOT do things you don’t want to do, especially if you don’t think you’ll want to give 110% percent to them. High fives! Frankly, I love being married. Being a mom? Well I hate it. Don’t get me wrong; I loooooove my son. But mommyhood just isn’t for everyone, and I wish it weren’t so damn taboo to say it.

    • Laura says

      Oh, Tiff… I don’t think you’re alone based on the convos I’ve had with my mommy friends. You’re doing a great job!!!

  58. says

    Thank you for this, friend. I absolutely adore being married and don’t know what id do otherwise, but I have way too many friends who shouldn’t have gotten married and are already divorced or miserable. The pressure to get married is frustrating to me. As for the kids thing, it’s something we think about a lot, and I still haven’t gotten over the guilt that I MAY not want them ever. I need to learn from you to care less :)

    • Laura says

      It’s funny how people assume you one day will. I say shift the guilt to being thankful that there are super patient, good parent out there to raise kids.

  59. says

    Thank you. In my world too, in Canada, Australia, through blogging, pregnancy is everywhere. It creates a whirlpool of feelings in me, and makes me anxious even though I love who I am, where I am, and I don’t know if I want that rote standard expected life (come on, so far everything I’ve done with my life has been the opposite of following the path to a white picket fence and 2.5 kids), and yet I feel “wrong”, sometimes, for knowing I’ll have a spectacular life regardless of what happens down the line. Thank you for being a shining example of how glorious it is for everyone to follow their own heart-dreams. Thank you for taking a stand against all the crap “oh, but you’ll change your mind” comments out there. I’m rambling. It’s just, thank you. xoxo

    • Laura says

      My dear food spouse… I think we should flip society and traditions the bird and procreate in the form of boozy drinks and decadent cakes. xo

      • says

        I read this out to the friend I’m staying with (who feels similarly about kids) and he and I spent the next ten minutes saying “booze and cake, booze and cake, booze and cake” xo

          • says

            That sounds amazing, but it’s the cabaret on Thursday and we’re going stargazing on Saturday. Drink something magnificent for me.

  60. says

    If I could give you a high five I would. I have 3 kids and a dog…there are times I wish I had a condo on the beach with just me, myself, and I. It is way more healthy to know thyself and live a life which you enjoy.
    Never should you have to compromise the person you are for the person people believe you should be.

    I have been absent from reading your blog for awhile, but it’s like riding a bike I come back and enjoy the same humor and delicious (and slightly weird food).

    Love this post!

    • Laura says

      LOL! Well… I’m not sure if the weird food a compliment or not, but I’ll take it as such! I appreciate you checking in and commenting, Rachel. :)


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